Meet Buster: My Big, Fat Tumor

Morgan, Kasha, Mark and I are in Houston, Tx.  The travel here went well and we’ve had a great day being together.  Tomorrow is our appointment @ MD Anderson.  Kasha and her mother Ruth (Morgan’s caregiver by day) spent many hours requesting, gathering and sending MD Anderson Morgan’s medical records weeks ago and an appointment was sent.  Tomorrow is the day.  We will meet with a doctor to review his case and find out where we go from here.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.

My girls adore their uncles and they love to hear stories.   They ask me to reminisce and give them all the details.  What did you do?  What were you like?  Where did we go?  Who got in trouble?  What did you play?  ….

We had a family gathering at Mom’s house last night.  We were celebrating Christmas again with mom in her home.  It was a nice evening together, one of my favorites lately.  On the way home I was quiet and in thought.   I was thinking about the days ahead and a childhood memory came to mind.    When we were young, my family camped around Arizona often.  We would camp, fish, hike, explore.  We set up camp in a lot of great campgrounds around this beautiful state.

I remembered the time we were camping  and we took a family hike.  We hiked for what seemed a long time- Dad always loved to walk us, I know now that was a way to get exercise and tire us out.  On hikes I felt a freedom; we would explore, catch little creatures, find interesting stuff.  On this hike, Michael asked to head back to camp and my parents approved it.  Morgan decided to take after him and somewhere between the rest of us and camp Morgan went lost.   We could not find Morgan- where could he be?  I think I remember that we searched all over camp, we asked other campers and found nothing.  We waited at camp, retraced steps, searched, asked…. I was scared.  I was young- I thought he was gone and that we may not be able to take him home.  I was so scared.  I can only imagine how he felt.

It was hours later, still nothing.  Morgan is lost!! Where is Morgan??  The sun was setting.  I think I remember that the Rangers were notified and that they were searching or were going to start searching by helicopter.  We were still asking other campers, praying and searching.     We finally found him.  Other campers helped us locate him and we wound up making acquaintance with them and sharing a meal.  What a relief and a celebration to find him.

I’ve had some sweet times with Morgan over the last couple months.  I am cherishing these days that he feels well enough to hang out together.  I love to go pick him up and have him in my home; spending time together, letting the girls love on him , being together and making memories.

The LOST story reminds me of how scared I was.  How scared I am… what lies ahead?  what’s happening inside Morgan; physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally?   I’m  scared.  I’m sad.  I’m mad.  I mourn.  I’m really scared.

He was over on Friday.  We had some interesting conversations- what we believe, how we disagree- what’s important to us.  These conversations were started and arranged around lists we are making.  We started with a LIST of lists to make.   The conversation went on, we made some lists and though our conversation he showed his passion about how important he feels it is for people to figure themselves out. 

A few of many questions to answer for yourself are: What do I believe?  Why do I believe the way I do?  What is my purpose?    What am I good at?  What do I love? Am I really living?  I am hopeful that he will share his own answers to these questions with all of you.   I encourage you to explore these questions on your own.  As a tribute to Morgan and what he is passionate about.   You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Are you lost?  get found!

…still coming off a high from U2 last night.  It was a family plan to enjoy it together, however, Morgan wasn’t able to make this one.  He entrusted Kasha to Nick and I and we got out for a nice dinner then met up with Michael and Shauna for the U2 concert.   UNBELIEVABLE!  What a great concert!    Next one, red zone- with Morgan!

Today- is a beautiful, happy day!  I’ve learned a lot over the last four months, at the top, celebrate the good and enjoy the happy, up days.  We are celebrating today!

Morgan’s surgery went well and he is in great spirits.  When he called me just before lunch time he was in such a good mood.  He was full of joy and so alive~  it reminded me of the days he was hitchhiking and had just come off a great ride or had reached his destination early.

You go Morgan!  : )  I love you.  Let’s keep celebrating!

-adjective
1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.
2. invulnerable to fear or intimidation: “audacious explorers”; “fearless reporters and photographers”; “intrepid pioneers”.
3. Archaic. excellent; fine; admirable.

-noun
4. a brave person
5. a warrior

–verb (used with object)
6. to meet or face courageously: to brave misfortunes.
7. to defy; challenge; dare.

Synonyms:
1. bold, intrepid, daring, dauntless, heroic. Brave, courageous, valiant, fearless, gallant refer to confident bearing in the face of difficulties or dangers. Brave is the most comprehensive: it is especially used of that confident fortitude or daring that actively faces and endures anything threatening. Courageous implies a higher or nobler kind of bravery, esp. as resulting from an inborn quality of mind or spirit that faces or endures perils or difficulties without fear and even with enthusiasm. Valiant implies a correspondence between an inner courageousness and external deeds, particularly of physical strength or endurance. Fearless implies unflinching spirit and coolness in the face of danger. Gallant implies a chivalrous, impetuous, or dashing bravery.

~ Good ole Webster dictionary~

Morgan~ our living picture of brave, courageous, valiant…

I am in awe~ and amazed everyday ~ at your bravery.  Your Courage!  I am so proud of you.  Everyday is a fight and you continue pressing on.  You inspire me!  I love you- Go Morgan!!

*****

It’s a roller coaster ride~ and it’s miserable !!!  … so much can change in a day.

He has been in the hospital since Friday, October 9.  He mentioned in a previous post how the week prior had been quite scary- he was very weak and had been very ill.  Friday he was picked up by a non-emergency ambulance service and brought to the hospital to start chemo.  He was too weak and hadn’t eaten much during that week he needed to gain strength and see what was going on before chemo started.

Monday rolled around and he was feeling better, had friends coming and wanted to get chemo going.  The chemo began.  He had a great week of chemo and was feeling well, received his last dose of chemo on Friday and Friday night went downhill quickly and hard.  His fever reached 103.5.  Morgan had developed another MAJOR infection.  It was very dangerous, but was caught and treated quickly and it is being studied further, but is managed again.  He is on an antibiotic, had a transfusion and he is gaining strength again.

His close friends Dan and Ben were here for the weekend.  They were able to have some good laughs and I know it meant so much to Morgan to have them in town and to be able to visit with them.  I was delighted to get to share in some of the conversation Sunday evening.  I really wanted to meet these friends Morgan talks of often.  They both have been so good to him and their journey together as friends has had influence on his life and shaped Morgan’s world.

In looking through my photos for a picture to post- I am amazed at how time has flown by- yet stood still.  I can’t believe it’s been four months- all that has changed and happened in four months.  And then I think our world has stopped- there is loss, pain, mourning this new life with cancer.  I need to unload for a moment.  Cancer Sucks!  It’s horrible!  Cancer is what has been tormenting Morgan for all these years.

I know that it was even worse than he led on because he isn’t one to complain.  We thought it was back pain from a fall.  It was cancer- that makes me SO MAD.  Cancer has been living inside of my brother- robbing him of fully LIVING.  He lost years to pain.  This diagnosis has changed us.  You live differently.  We have had to let go of expectations, making plans and celebrations have become so different in just four months.   We have had so many fun things planned to look forward to and they ALL have been rearranged or postponed.

I’m learning a new brave- outside the box.  We will press on and keep making plans!   We support your dreams and believe in your future Morgan!  : )

Tomorrow is a big day, surgery and some major changes.  They will replace his kidney stints and remove his urethra catheter to replace it with a suprapubic catheter out his belly.  This will be better for long term and it is believed will help cut down on infection.   In the next couple days his  (CBC) blood count will drop  and he will go into the neutropenic stage.  This is where his white blood cell count drops and it is difficult for his body to fight infection.

If you are our praying people~ here are some requests:

* Doctors in surgery * Chemo/PacMan eating Buster & friends * Morgan~ strength, hope, courage, faith, peace, comfort, FIGHT. * Kasha- see and feel our love and appreciation and that she would have continued strength, health, peace, comfort.  * Pain management * Continued favor with doctors and nurses treating and caring for him. * Wisdom, clarity for next steps.  * Protection during Neutropenia-NO Infections!  * our Mom’s~ loyal, faithful, loving and serving.  *

Morgan is brave- over and over again~ a warrior with enduring courage.

Thank you for continuing to journey with us ~ our faithful family and friends~ Team Morgan!    : )

*Written by Mark to celebrate Morgan’s wedding toast*

My brother Morgan and I are separated in age by slightly less than 3 ½ years. By adult life standards, that’s practically the same age. Growing up, however, that span of time created a hierarchy in our brotherhood/bunkmate arrangement of which Morgan assumed the lead role.

I recall the EARLY mornings where I would awake to find Morgan perched on my bed in the room that we shared. He was looming over me- incessantly requesting my assistance with his paper route that day. It wasn’t actually help that he desired. It was companionship. I eventually gave in… most of the time.

Back in those days, paperboys had to do their own subscription fee collections- a bona fide nightmare for an introverted people pleaser like my brother. So what would he do? Drag me along. Not for muscle, but for companionship.

I knew that at the end of that abhorrent task we would go and blow the loot on video games at Alpha Beta or Appetito’s. We shared a compulsion for those “Machines” as our grandpa would call them. “Now don’t go and put all of this in The Machines!” He would admonish us anytime he handed out a little pocket change. But boy did we.  All of that and then some. Personally, I enjoyed the games that pitted us against each other, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, etc. On the screen our size and strength was evened up. So I could beat him pretty much all of the time. He was frustrated and would gesture physical retaliation. But I couldn’t help it. I was compelled to beat him to assert myself- even if there was some potential harm on the horizon.

And those who know Morgan well know that he also finds it very important to fiercely, albeit quietly, assert his own values in the face of potential adversity. While many of us might not relate always to his means and methods, we can recognize his passion. And his loyalty. And his strong sense of honor. In fact, the rest of should be so lucky as to emulate his commitment to family and friends. Many people say “There is nothing more important than family,” but Morgan walks the walk. He is as empathic and supportive as one can be with never a foul word to say about anyone.  I believe that people often give gifts they would cherish in the own lives.   And for those of us fortunate enough to recognize and accept it- Morgan’s companionship is his greatest gift.

In closing, I want to say to Mrs. Kasha Strub, thank you for accepting Morgan for all that he is. In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health.  God bless you both. We love you. Salud!

***

This speech moved me.  It was so touching, fitting and enlightening.  Companionship; a true quality and one of my favorites of Morgan’s.  I have many sweet memories of Morgan and I just being together.  He has comforted me, been there for me, shared wisdom, made fun memories and saved me on several occasions.  I love my big, little brother~ our gentle giant.

I am reflecting on the memory of June 10, 2009 tonight.  We celebrated Morgan and Kasha getting married.  It was a sweet calm before this storm.  A long awaited day and so treasured.   I never imagined all of this.  I am broken. I am changed.  I can’t even try to help you understand, it’s truly indescribable.  

I wish I could put into words the appreciation I have for Kasha.  Morgan chose her to be his companion~ long before they wed.   She has been there for him for years and has encouraged him to follow his dreams and passions when the rest of us were scared or unsure.  She has been there for him in ways we weren’t.  We are all blessed and so thankful to have her in our family.  A forever sister to me, this one is here to stay! : )    We love you Kasha.  Thank you for all that you do~ all day, everyday.   I can’t tell you enough, but will try for the rest of my days.

I’m proud of you Morgan!  I’m blessed to call you my brother.  You continue to gift into my life; Kasha is one that I treasure.   I love you Morgan.  I am here for you.  Always!

Monster Mash

I think about writing everyday.  often.  I just don’t always know what to write…  I try to keep you up to date with details, but never have all of them.  There is so much that goes on behind the scenes- …. and when it looks like we’ve got it somewhat figured out… WE DON’T! 

Cancer sucks!  I know this in my head and my heart.  and CANCER SUCKS more. than. I. know.   You  just can’t wrap your head and heart around all that is going on in Morgan’s body, heart, head… minute by minute- everyday.  He is living it.    Please pray for;  Strength, Peace, Fight… wisdom…   God be near…  healing… 

Quick update:  Morgan checked into the hospital Saturday and stayed until Friday.  They were trying to figure out where his fever and possible infection was.  During the week they changed out his catheter 4 times.  Did a needle aspiration in his foot to biopsy/ grow a culture to check his foot.   Monday, he is scheduled to see visit the oncologist in his office.  We are waiting to hear if chemo will start this week.    

Yes, I’m a bit scattered and random.  I just wanted to touch base tell you we’re still here.  Don’t stop checking in, give up or stop praying- sometimes it’s just overwhelming and indescribable.